Anxiety this one’s for you

Who knows If this blog will ever get posted, and if it does, it will probably be for a few select people and not my general audience, but I just needed to remind my anxiety real quick that it does not own me. Looking back at my last story, I realized that it has almost been a whole month since I posted a blog. At training camp we were given the initial expectation that we would write one every week, and that, unfortunately, has not been the case for me. Not for the lack of things to share, but because my mind is so consumed with the worry of writing something noteworthy, that it forgets how to be authentic. 

Since the 6th grade I have struggled with an anxiety induced compulsive disorder called Trichotillomania. Overall, it is the compulsive urge to pull out hair and for me, it specifically affects my eyelashes and eyebrows. I hate this part about myself. I wake up most mornings without makeup feeling like the ugliest person on earth and it sucks. When I’m feeling anxious or restless and my urges start there is literally no stopping it. I feel powerless and weak when I think about such a small thing producing such an obvious defect on me physically and mentally.  It is terrifying to feel like something else is in control of your body other than you. When an episode comes, it takes over and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I’m writing this because thinking about keeping up with these blogs has been causing consuming anxiety to inhibit my mind from resting on my sabbath or being able to relax in my downtime. This morning when I was in my hammock trying to tune into God, all I could think about was the multiple blog posts I have half finished and it was super distracting kinda like this ungrammatically correct long sentence until I felt God’s voice say, “TRISA STOP and just be with me! Forget about trying to please everyone else except the One who sent you here. I work all things out for my good and glory, even this crippling feeling you have now.” See that is what’s so cool about God is that He’s all about creating that personalized relationship. In the midst of my unique, and seemingly insignificant struggles, He sees me and wants to address my situation so that I can be drawn closer to Him. He was inviting me into peace and I definitely wanted in on that! So in that moment I decided that I was going to go pull a 180 on my mind and just start creating a blog on the fact that I’ve been super anxious to blog. If nothing else, for the sake of freeing my mind and being authentic with everyone who reads these, including my squad. The fact that I have Trich is not something I like to talk about or expose, but what I have been realizing is that a FACT of my human condition does not determine the TRUTH of any aspect of my worth. While creating this blog, Paul’s words reaffirmed this for me as well as several other passages. Here are a few:

Ephesians 2:10 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Colossians 1:16-17 “For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.“

1 John 5:4 “For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.”

Everything, even what we hate most about ourselves, was created for God and His Glory. How reassuring it is for me to know that all of my fleshly members must submit before Him, even my anxiety and out of control compulsions.

I just want to speak some truth over anyone who is feeling bound or trapped to their minds or bodies, that vessel was not meant to sustain you. It does not get the final say in who you are or what you are capable of because ultimately we were designated for something that surpasses this mortal life. You are called, set-apart and elected by a Heavenly court to do immeasurably more than you could ever hope to attain on our own. Believe it and step into experience it for yourself because I know God is wrecked with anguish when He sees his children succumbing to fleshly cages. 

Before this trip, I was terrified of other racers finding out. I had microblading done, got fake nails (to reduce pulling), and brought a bunch of makeup products to cover up my reality from others. The truth is that those solutions are not sustainable. In the end I am still faced with the same reality after each episode when I look in the mirror. In this repeated process of being constantly disappointed in myself, I realize that there is no inward solution. I know to some of you this is going to sound like a cliché church sermon, but to me this is my real-life testimony. Criticize and doubt if you want, but I cannot help but speak on these things to which God is redeeming. To which He is the only lasting solution. If you have questions or doubts, I’d love to talk and will include my contact info at the end. I know that anxiety and Trich are most likely always going to be struggles in my life. The victory for me does not look like these aspects of my life disappearing, but rather my ability to discern lies from truth and walk in the enablement through Christ that those things do not have to determine any form of outcome. They have no say in the grand scheme of things. To see them for what they are, a temporary condition that has no affect on my effectiveness. That is my victory.

If anyone else has struggles similar to these or just want to talk about something that has been weighing you down, I want to extend my invitation of walking with you through it. I want to normalize being vulnerable about these “secret” struggles because I know first-hand that having a constant face-off with myself everyday and not confiding in anyone NEVER helped. This is the last place and platform I thought I would use to find healing but here I am. In my time here, the Lord has redeemed so much.  I know that these words reflect a shifting perspective that is allowing me to draw closer to Him through releasing my cares into His sovereign divinity.

Lord help me to know how precious I am to you and that you have created me as a masterpiece. I believe that you have elected me to represent you and embody your character in my everyday. Through your power I pray that lies of the enemy are silenced and that anxiety is diminished because you are above, in and through all things. I pray these things not just for myself, but for anyone who is struggling with self-defeat or knowing their worth. Please give us your peace in our minds and the reassurance that we are Heavenly royals whose value knows no end in your court. I ask all these things in your name, Jesus, Amen.

much love- Tris

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